A few years ago I was invited to appear on a TV talk show
to discuss whether children need fathers. The panel
consisted of single mothers who chose, through
artificial insemination from anonymous sperm donors,
to bring a child into the world who would never know
his or her biological father. At the time I had just had my
first child and was new to parenting, so although I
was arguing that children definitely need fathers, my
perspective was somewhat limited. Since then I have
had an additional four years of parenting experience,
two more children and lost my own father. I now
feel much more qualified to talk on this subject.
Indeed, the miracle of life is breathtaking. Last night,
while my wife took a much-deserved early night sleep,
I had the privilege of looking after our nearly two-
week-old son, Shmuley. He lay in my arms with his grey eyes wide open, staring at me. As I looked into his eyes it occurred to me how vulnerable he is. Suddenly I was overcome by a tremendous
sense of responsibility. I was in partnership with G-d
to shape the future happiness, success and
achievement of this little bundle of joy. The
responsibility of being a father hit me in the most
profound manner.
Shmuley is named after my father of blessed memory.
As I looked at him I was taken back in time to when I
was a small child. I tried to recall the first memories I
have of my own father. The first memory that came
to mind was of sitting on Dad's knee while he jiggled
me up and down and played airplanes with me.
The second memory was of my third birthday, which
in Chassidic circles is called an Opshernish or first
hair cutting ceremony. I was given a bag of
chocolate wafers as a present and my older brothers
and their friends were chasing me because they
wanted some. While running away from them I fell
and hit my head, which began to bleed. Here my
father stepped in and took care of my wound. To this
day I vividly recall lying on the kitchen floor while
Dad calmed me down and put a Band-Aid on my
forehead.
As a child I felt safe in the knowledge that if I fell
down and got hurt Dad would always be there to
make things better with a kiss and a cuddle -- and a
Band-Aid with antiseptic cream if necessary. Dad
would also readily play with us in a way that only
dads can. As I grew up the relationship changed and
he started to teach me things that would help me to
grow into a responsible and successful adult. Indeed
the contribution Dad made to my life is irreplaceable.
And there I sat with my third son in my arms,
realizing the awesome privilege which Sheindy
and I share in helping to shape the life of a
fellow human being. I recognized the great
responsibility we have towards the child we brought
into this world. I acknowledged the honor of devoting
the time and energy needed to ensure that our
children develop into adults who will become credits
to society and forces for positive activity in this
world. Above all, I acknowledged the tremendous
responsibility I have as a father and the unique
contribution only I am able to make to the life, future
stability and success of my children.
Obviously, there are cases in which a child's biological father would be a harmful, even dangerous presence. And many children are unfortunately denied a loving father's involvement in their lives by circumstances beyond their mother's control. But other than in these extreme cases, only a heartless person could willingly deny a child a relationship with his or her biological father.
